Golden lessons I learned from relationships #1 -Falling out of love is real. and its traumatic.

So it happens, you meet your perfect partner and you fall head over heels in love. Your brain gets flooded with several feel good hormones which not only make you feel very happy to be around the person, but also make you paranoid about losing them and therefore very forgiving of anything and everything they do. They seem perfect at first but as you dive deeper into the relationship you become confronted with all the imperfections. They aren’t very kind all the time. In fact, they’re kinda mean spirited. They crack mean jokes. They cheat. They lie. They find joy in manipulation. They are a hypocrite. They get angry with you for small things you do while they’re doing worse. When you tell them you love them but they don’t say it back half of the time. Even though you know they are hurting you, you can’t help but feel the NEED to be with them. You’re in Iove. Your brain is addicted to them. You feel like you’re dying every time you even think about leaving them. So you start explaining the negative parts of them away, ignoring, and making excuses for any and all bad behavior on their part. You cling on to phrases like “hurt people hurt people” and you go as far as to convince yourself that you’re going to be the one to show this person the pure love they need to bring themselves to salvation from their own behavior.

Fast forward some months or years. The flooding of the love hormones in your brain start to wear off and reality starts to kick in. You no longer feel that deep pull to them or need for them. All of the hurt and pain they have been causing you is no longer being suppressed, explained away, or numbed by feel good hormones in your brain. The feeling of being in love that once pacified you of all their cruel behavior is gone and all that’s standing in front of you is the reality of who you’re with and everything they have made you go through. Slowly but surely, and increasingly by the day, your mind starts to get attacked with constant replays of every single lie, betrayal, and hurtful word uttered by them. There is an animosity growing inside you against them, gradually you can’t stand to be around them, their very presence annoys you, their jokes are no longer funny, you feel like you are in disagreement with everything they say, and worst of all you feel a sort of revulsion when making love with them.

The polarity of how vastly different you felt about this person while you were in love with them versus how you feel now that you are falling out of love is very confusing and traumatizing to your psyche, you almost start to feel as if something is wrong with you. As if the problem may be that you are in a depression or something has gone wrong with your brain. How is it possible to feel so negative and hateful about someone you used to love and care about so much.

You’re confused because this is the part that no one ever warned you would happen, this is the part no one ever explains. This is the part you were unprepared for. You spent months while in love convincing yourself that you were with a good person and that you could fix this and that about them but now reality is hitting and you are seeing them for who they really are without the rose colored glasses and your truest self is finally out to pass the final judgement about how they actually fit into your life.

But you can’t accept it. You won’t accept it. Especially now that your partner seems to be going through the opposite of what you’re going through.  They spent the first part of the relationship being selfish and conniving, never really opening their eyes to realize how much you were trying with them but now that they sense you no longer want it, now that they no longer have it they are being flooded with realizations of all the times you tried with them. All the sweet things you did, all the sweet things you said. You’re no longer feeling any of that and are no longer behaving as lovingly as you used to and they are sick about it. You’re sick about it. You want so badly for everything to go back to how it was, you want to give them the in-love version of you they keep crying about and are devastated about having lost. You’re trying to convince yourself that maybe if you wait a few months those feelings will come back again. Maybe you only feel like this because of stress, maybe you only feel like this because of the alcohol you’ve been drinking, maybe you only feel like this because of the birth control you’ve been taking. You’re in denial.

You wait those few months hoping you’ll fall in love with them again but the disdain for your partner seems to be growing stronger by the day. Every single day you’re waking up to reliving memories about every single time they hurt you, cheated on you, lied to you, manipulated your emotions, etc.  Your behavior and demeanor has been very lackluster in the relationship. You’ve been stuck in arguments with them every single day. You have a million complaints about their behavior and who they are. You’re annoyed about every single thing they do. Even though they have been trying harder and been being better, sweeter, more loving, giving, and caring now than they have ever been, you just don’t care anymore. You try to but you cant master up a single positive emotion about them. Your brain is working against you. It realized what it realized and it wants out. You’ve fallen out of love and absolutely nothing is going to change that.

Every day you stay in that relationship in denial about the fact that your brain has turned against this person is another day you’re causing this person trauma. You’re causing them trauma by constantly pointing out every negative thing about them because that’s all you see now. You’re causing them trauma by making negative faces every time they speak or tell jokes. You’re causing them trauma by pushing away every time they try to touch you or be intimate with you. You’re not doing any of it on purpose, in fact you want so badly to embrace everything they are and be in love with them again but you can’t cause you’re simply not in love with them anymore. You simply no longer feel anything positive for them. In fact, its the opposite now, no matter how much you try the rose colored glasses that once made you overlook all the negative things they were doing against you have now turned into dark colored glasses that make you unappreciative of and judgmental of even the good things they do for you.

It’s important for us to note that not every relationship we enter into is supposed to last forever. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we see on TV about how hard relationships are and how we have to fight everyday to keep ourselves together forever. But some people are just not meant to be with you forever in a relationship, the character of some people is simply something you can’t tolerate within your life. So it’s ok to forgive people for how they mistreated you and it’s ok to be understanding of whatever trauma you believe turned them into a hurtful person. But whatever you do, once that in-love switch turns off and you realize for the first time that this is not the person you want to spend every day with, do not ignore those feelings and do not fall into denial or try to convince yourself that you need to fight for something which has already proved itself to not be meant for you. Do not try to become so stuck on the good things they are doing or have done that you invalidate your own feelings about all of the negativity you experienced from them. Because the more you try to fight against your own feelings and the more you try to force things, the more that you actually end up traumatizing not only your partner but yourself as well.

In conclusion, the feeling of being head over heels in love with someone is mostly controlled by hormones and so are most of your thoughts and tolerances during the time you are in love. Once the hormones subside is when your real self comes back to judge your partner’s behavior and whether they will have any sustenance in your life. Falling out of love is the process during which you come to see the person you were with for who they really are without any influence from hormones. After this reality hits, you either note that the person is a great partner and a great addition to your life or all the betrayals and times they made you feel bad come flooding in and you have to let go. It’s important to let go once you realize that you need to let go so as to not continue the cycle of trauma and hurt yourself as well as others.

Your intellect is golden, trust it.

By Chelsea F.