Why being in love can make us overlook major characteristic flaws about a person even when they present a danger to our livelihoods

The experience of being in a harmful relationship—whether it’s physically abusive, emotionally manipulative, or involves betrayal like being cheated on and contracting STDS—can be deeply traumatic. When you come out on the other side and reflect on what happened, it can be bewildering to understand how you allowed yourself to endure such treatment. However, the reasons why people become victims of harmful relationships are complex and often extend beyond personal choices or “allowing” it to happen. Here’s a breakdown of the deeper factors that can keep someone trapped in a harmful relationship:

1. Biological Response: Love triggers the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin in the brain, creating feelings of pleasure, attachment, and well-being. This “chemical cocktail” can cause us to focus on the positive aspects of a person and minimize or ignore negative traits, as our brains are essentially “rewarded” for being in love.

2. Cognitive Biases: When in love, we tend to experience cognitive biases like the halo effect, where we project our positive feelings onto all aspects of the person. This leads us to overlook flaws or rationalize behaviors that, under normal circumstances, would be red flags.

3. Emotional Investment: The more emotionally invested we become, the harder it is to confront the reality of someone’s flaws. Admitting these flaws might threaten the relationship, which can lead to cognitive dissonance—a mental discomfort that occurs when our desires conflict with reality. To avoid this discomfort, we may unconsciously downplay the flaws.

4. Fear of Loss: The fear of losing someone we love can be so strong that it compels us to ignore significant flaws. The idea of ending a relationship, especially one that we are deeply invested in, can be daunting, leading us to overlook behaviors that could be harmful to our livelihoods.

5. Romantic Idealization: Early in a relationship, there’s often a period of idealization where we see our partner as perfect or “the one.” This idealization can prevent us from seeing flaws clearly. Even when flaws become evident, the desire to maintain the idealized image can cause us to downplay their significance.

6. Hope for Change: When in love, we might convince ourselves that the person will change or that their flaws will diminish over time. This hope can lead us to tolerate or ignore behaviors that might otherwise be unacceptable, putting our livelihoods at risk.

7. Social and Cultural Expectations: Social norms and cultural expectations can also play a role. The pressure to be in a relationship or to make one work can lead us to overlook serious issues in favor of maintaining the relationship, even when it’s not in our best interest.

These factors together can create a powerful blind spot, where love overrides rational judgment, potentially leading to decisions that jeopardize our well-being or financial security.